Husband should focus on wife's good qualities
DEAR ANNIE: My wife and I have been married nearly 50 years. For the last 20, there has been no sex, which is her wish. We do not fuss or fight, and I am sure our friends think everything is fine with us.
I have tried several times to talk to my wife about her lack of interest in sex, but she gets very upset. About 15 years ago, I convinced her to go with me for counseling, but after two sessions, she said she was not going back because there was no benefit for her.
I have several female friends and that is all they are - friends. I asked my wife if it bothers her that I have female friends, and she said she doesn't care what I do as long as I leave her alone. We have briefly discussed divorce, but it really isn't an option because we are both retired and most of our income is from my retirement plan. We live comfortably but modestly. If we divorced, I am sure our income would be split 50-50 and neither of us could live on that.
Our children are planning a 50th anniversary party, but I just don't feel it's appropriate. We haven't been married in any real sense for the last 20 years. I have tried to talk the kids out of the idea without divulging too much information, but they think I'm just being modest. I really don't know how to handle this. Should I simply let the kids go ahead with their plans? - Not Really Married
DEAR NOT MARRIED: Yes. Marriage includes ups and downs, good times and bad. Sex is only one aspect of a relationship. Focus on the happy times you've had in your marriage - we're sure there must be a great many - and your wife's good qualities. You've been in a bad spell for 20 years (although we suspect your wife thinks otherwise), but you've still been together for a half-century and your children want to mark the occasion. Please let them.
DEAR ANNIE: My friend's parents died a few years ago. During the reading of their will, the lawyer presented my friend with her adoption papers. It was quite a shock, as she had no knowledge of this secret.
My friend has several siblings, who, according to the will, are her parents' biological children. What bothers her is that her birth certificate lists the same parents as those of her siblings. How can that be? - Confused
DEAR CONFUSED: Birth certificates are issued by the county for every child born. However, adoptive parents can request an amended birth certificate to reflect the new information, replacing the birth parents' names with those of the adoptive parents. The original record is then sealed. If your friend wants a copy of her original birth certificate, it may be possible to get one if her state permits the records to be opened.
DEAR ANNIE: This is for "Shell Shocked," whose wife left him suddenly after 25 years of marriage. My husband did the same thing to me.
Moving on is great advice. Counseling is debatable. After two years, I have finally managed to get my life going forward. As for counseling, I don't want any. I know full well what happened with my husband's midlife crisis. I was betrayed and discarded. My ex is a selfish, backstabbing, cheating pig, and I will hate him until the day I die. If he dies first, I can dance on his grave.
I don't need a therapist to tell me how to deal with this. My hate makes me strong. I believe it is healthy. There is nothing to be gained by forgiving someone who has done you wrong. - Bitter Ex-Wife
DEAR BITTER: And you don't want counseling? Honey, you are a walking advertisement for therapy. Anger can be healthy, but hate is destructive. After two years, to be so filled with bitterness is going to eat you alive. Forgiveness isn't for his sake. It's for yours. Please reconsider.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. E-mail questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.
