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Column

Smoker's wife draws a line in the bedroom until he quits

Dear Abby,

My wife and I have been married 27 years. We love each other and raised two beautiful children together.

When we started dating, we were both smokers. My wife quit 20 years ago, but I continued. 2 years ago, my wife told me no more sex until I do. Abby, I smoke only about 15 cigarettes a day and never in the house or car. I know it’s terrible for my health, and I need to quit, but I enjoy it.

So it has been 2 years since we have had any intimate contact. I barely can get a kiss out of her because she says she can’t stand the smell. I’m only 50, and I enjoy having sex. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Is my wife right by putting her foot down like this? She has never been a big fan of sex, but she has always satisfied me. I think this is her way of avoiding sex.

I know she’s doing it because she loves me, but I have a hard time accepting it. I have tried numerous times to quit and have used medication, hypnosis, gum, etc., to no avail. Please help.

– All Smoke, No Sex
in Michigan

Dear A.S.N.S.,

Forgive me if I seem to lack empathy, but I don’t think you are aware of how the odor of stale tobacco affects former smokers. It is gross. The smoke clings to the smoker’s skin, hair and clothing, and it’s the polar opposite of an aphrodisiac.

Because medication, hypnosis, gum, etc. have not helped you to kick the habit, what’s left is the old-fashioned way: cold turkey. The American Cancer Society sponsors an event every year called The Great American Smokeout. This year it is on Thursday, Nov. 21.

The theory behind it is, if someone can refrain from smoking for ONE DAY, he or she can build upon that for 2 days, a week, a month, etc. Many former smokers have quit this way, and if sex is as important to you as you say, I urge you to try it. (If you tell your wife you accept her terms, your situation may improve dramatically.)

Dear Abby,

I have a disagreement with a friend about the difference between a conventional affair and an online affair. My friend insists the latter isn’t an affair because it isn’t physical. My opinion is, when you connect with someone online, you develop an emotional attachment to your online friend. This attachment is no different than having a physical affair. It can damage or destroy a marriage when you sneak around and lie to your mate. Do you agree?

– Defining It
in Massachusetts

Dear Defining,

I do agree. A relationship that involves sneaking around and lying to one’s spouse is a betrayal, regardless of whether or not it’s physical.

Dear Abby,

I live in a tiny studio apartment. All my stuff is in storage until I buy a home, which will be in about 2 years. Would it be wrong to ask my siblings to not give me any gifts for Christmas? A card would be a lot more suitable.

– Sibling in California

Dear Sibling,

If a card would be more suitable, as long as you explain your reason for deviating from tradition, I see no reason why you can’t be frank with your siblings. Do it now, before they start their Christmas shopping.

Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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