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Column

Looking for a job? Apply now for the new state-run Real News Network

Mary Schmich
Mary Schmich

“Something has to be done, including the possibility of the United States starting our own Worldwide Network to show the World the way we really are, GREAT!”

– Donald J. Trump
on Twitter

Hello, journalists!

Are you ready to break out of the moldy mold of old-fashioned news gathering? Are you eager for the opportunity to not only report the news but make it up?

Then you’re ready to join the team at Real News Network, the groundbreaking state-sponsored media organization dedicated to making news great again.

The RNN motto: All the News That Fits Our Agenda.

No journalism degree? No journalism experience? No problem!

At RNN, we believe that anyone can be a journalist. All it takes is a talent for pandering to our current president and a conviction that this important work is too big for FOX alone.

Check out the jobs below and if you think “That’s me to a Trumpian T!” tweet your résumé to us at #ImAJournalistToo.

Here are the positions available:

On-air presenters: As the public face of RNN, these personalities must be easy talkers unafraid to mock liberals. The ideal male candidates will be white with a full head of hair. Women must be pre-menopausal with shapely legs and toned upper arms; blondes preferred.

Global affairs specialist: The ideal candidate for this high-profile job must have a knack for promoting Trump hotels, Trump towers and Trump golf clubs worldwide, as well as the ability to explain that globalism is a menace to America.

Fashion columnist: This trendsetter will report exclusively on where Americans can still find products from Ivanka Trump’s defunct fashion line.

Social media manager: While proficient in various social media platforms, this talented individual will focus on correcting misspellings in the president’s tweets.

Sports analyst: From Scottish golfing to African trophy hunting, our kick-butt sports commentator will offer glowing coverage of the sports Donald Trump’s family loves most.

Investigative reporter: This hard-charging person will focus exclusively on the misdeeds of Bill and Hillary Clinton, along with the weirdly cheerful tweets of Chelsea Clinton. Is Bill still doing it? Will Hillary ever be locked up? Is Chelsea secretly evil? Our reporter will take a deep dive into these and other Clinton-related questions.

Russia correspondent: This savvy Russian speaker will produce stories demonstrating what Americans could learn from Russian authoritarianism, including its approach to news.

Social justice reporter: Driven by a commitment to fairness, this person will examine the good, as well as the bad, aspects of racism, sexism, anti-Semitism, homophobia and Islamophobia.

Book critic: The literary whiz chosen for this coveted position will produce regular pieces lauding “The Art of the Deal” by Donald J. Trump.

White House correspondent: The candidate chosen for this high-profile job will be taller and better-looking than Jim Acosta. Must have previously demonstrated courage in conflict zones.

Diversity hire No. 1: This top-notch reporter will be black. He or she will occasionally appear at White House briefings to ask friendly questions about race-related issues. Questions will be supplied by the president’s communications staff.

If no suitable candidates apply for this job, no one can say we didn’t try.

Diversity hire No. 2: This top-notch reporter will anchor “RNN en Espanol,” a regular feature that focuses on stories of dangerous illegal immigrants. Though required to have a Hispanic last name, this person is not required to speak Spanish since “RNN en Espanol” will be broadcast only in English, the official language of the United States.

Diversity hire No. 3: This passionate and driven individual will be lesbian or gay or transgender, but not too lesbian or gay or transgender, and will produce news highlighting the president’s support for LGBTQ individuals who aren’t always blathering about it.

Media critic: This important beat will focus on exposing fake news from the failing New York Times and failing CNN.

Environment reporter: This hard-hitting reporter will produce stories showing that coal is good, climate change is a lie, wildfires can be solved by better raking, and leaf blowers are better than rakes for cleaning up your yard.

Interested in any of the above? Apply now!

And remember the RNN guarantee, which is in line with industry standards: Low pay, no job security, just a chance to make a difference.

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