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Column

Mom left out of Christmas celebration

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips.

Dear Abby,

My parents have been divorced for 15 years. Dad is remarried; my mother lives alone. My brother and I alternate holidays every year, and this year he was supposed to host our mother. Instead, he just informed me he has decided to invite our father and his wife to dinner, leaving our mother no place to go.

I would love to invite her to my in-laws’ house, but my husband doesn’t want her to come. When I told him he could take the kids to his family’s house, he got very upset and told me I should consider him and our children first, before my mother.

So, what should I do? Should I leave my mom home alone on Christmas, or stay with her so she’s not alone?

– Worried About Mom in Pennsylvania

Dear Worried,

Has your brother told your mother he won’t be celebrating Christmas with her? If he hasn’t, he should let her know now. Because your husband refuses to share Christmas with your mother, I assume their relationship is strained. If that’s the case, it may be time for her to start mending fences.

As to whether you should sacrifice Christmas with your husband and children to be with her, I’m not sure you should. Your mother would be wise to learn to be more independent than she appears to be, and a way of doing that would be to start making plans of her own. If there is a church celebration, or an opportunity to volunteer in your community, suggest she investigate it. Also, consider seeing her on Christmas Eve, or for brunch or for lunch if she can’t join you for dinner.

Dear Abby,

I have my college degree and will be heading to graduate school next year. I suffer from ADHD, for which I cannot take medication. ADHD affects many aspects of my life, especially in a professional setting. It makes it difficult for me to do basic things, such as show up to work on time, remember appointments and plan and prioritize tasks.

I’m working with my psychologist on strategies to help me better manage daily life. But in the meantime, how can I communicate to my professors and employers that my troubles with “basic professionalism” stem from an actual diagnosed disability, and not laziness or lack of effort?

– Grad School Bound

Dear Grad School Bound,

Ask your psychologist to provide you with a letter stating your diagnosis that you can show your professors and employers. If you have written proof that you suffer from a diagnosed disability, they may be willing to work with you rather than be judgmental.

Dear Abby,

I was at a friend’s wedding and introduced myself to the groom’s father. Because I was carrying something in my right hand, I extended my left hand. I’m no dead-fish guy, but the “lobster’s” grip was so tight it crushed my ring into my finger, causing a bruise. I made no comment at the time, but now I am seething over his behavior. What might I have said, or should I say in some similar encounter?

– Sore in Silicon Valley

Dear Sore,

Some men, in an attempt to prove their masculinity, tend to overdo it. It was within your rights to say, “Oww! Loosen up!” In the future, transfer whatever you’re carrying in your right hand so you can observe the social amenities.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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