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Man’s reticence about sex puts relationship in jeopardy

Published: Thursday, Jan. 16, 2014 1:15 a.m. CDT

Dear Abby: I have been seeing a guy, "Karl," for eight months now, and we have never had sex. After two or three months, I brought up the subject. He said he was stressed because he had just lost his job. He also said there is never any privacy at his place because he has roommates/tenants. I offered to go to my place, but he said that with my son there, it's the same issue.

Karl says he's very attracted to me, but doesn't want our "time" together to be ruined by his current money problems. I told him I understood and I have waited. I also explained that it makes me feel insecure and unwanted.

He now has a job, but we still haven't had sex. He has, in the interim, told me he loves me and wants to marry me. I constantly worry that there's someone else and wonder what's wrong with me. I love Karl, too, but I don't know what to do. Please help. – Love, But No Sex in New Jersey

Dear Love, But: Is there any intimacy AT ALL in your relationship with Karl? Is he affectionate? Is there any physical response when he holds and kisses you? If the answer is no, your boyfriend may have a physical or emotional problem, be asexual or gay.

Before agreeing to marry him, I recommend you schedule some time alone together by spending a few romantic weekends at a hotel or motel. It may give you a better idea of what your future would be like if you two decide the tie the knot.

Dear Abby: I am a 30-year-old gay man who works in an office with 20 women. In the five years I have worked here, many of my co-workers have either gotten married or had children.

Our office has a tradition of throwing showers for the lucky ladies, and I am always asked to contribute money toward food for the party or an extravagant gift.

While I'm happy to donate to a charity or help a friend in need, I wonder if a wedding or a baby shower would be given for ME? Am I selfish for feeling hesitant to donate money or gifts when it's likely the favor will never be returned? – Minority Male in Texas

Dear Minority: I don't think you are selfish for feeling the way you do. In fact, it's understandable. However, in the case of a wedding or baby shower, people give gifts as a way of offering congratulations and good wishes. And I would hope that, even if same-sex marriage isn't recognized by the state of Texas, that your co-workers would do something to honor you if you had a spiritual ceremony, which some religious denominations offer.

Dear Abby: I am turning 60 and naturally looking a little "worn." My man friend keeps telling me I need a facelift and to lose 10 pounds, so I'm starting to save my money.

Something tells me he wants a "hot chick" and thinks he'll have one once I get these procedures done. It's expensive. What do you think? – Loose-Faced Louisianan

Dear Louisianan: It's not only expensive; as with any other major surgery, there is some risk involved. If you had said you wanted cosmetic surgery because YOU thought you needed it, I would say to go ahead. However, if it's only because your man friend is pushing you, then he should save HIS money and offer to foot the bill.

P.S. He must be an optimist because there is no guarantee that with 10 pounds off and a new face you wouldn't start looking for a younger man. Some women do.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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