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Change one, change them all

Published: Thursday, Oct. 17, 2013 11:59 p.m. CST
Caption
(Tim Sharp)
Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III looks for an opening against the Cowboys. The teams name has been a hot topic this season. Shaw Media columnist Tom Musick thinks maybe every team needs to be re-branded.

In the NFL, the name of the game is to win. As for the names of the teams, well, they have the potential to offend.

Take the Bears’ next opponent, for example. They’re called the Washington Redskins, which is a derogatory term referring to Native Americans. The name originated in 1933, and while much has changed in the past 70 years (we share drinking fountains now!), Redskins owner Daniel Snyder has resisted increased pressure to change the name.

“We are Redskins Nation,” Snyder wrote last week in an open letter to his fans, “and we owe it to our fans and coaches and players, past and present, to preserve that heritage.”

However, Snyder seems less concerned when it comes to preserving a winning tradition. This marks his 15th season as owner, and the “we owe it to our fans” Redskins have won all of two playoff games during that tenure.

But I digress.

Maybe the only way to get the Redskins to change their name is if every other NFL team changes their name, too. Maybe Snyder will be more willing to rebrand his franchise if it is merely one of 32 to embrace our changing times.

Besides, think of the millions that the NFL could rake in by selling new merchandise.

Let’s give this a shot and see how it turns out.

AFC East

New England Foliage (5-1)

The leaves are lovely this time of year. Almost as lovely as Tom Brady’s hair. Wait, what?

Miami Sound Machine (3-2)

“Come on, shake your body baby, do the Csonka…”

New York Rex (3-3)

You’ve heard of player-coaches, but it’s about time that we had a mascot-coach.

Buffalo Wings (2-4)

Jessica Simpson’s wise words – “Sorry, I don’t eat buffalo” – could be inscribed on a statue outside of the stadium.

AFC North

Cincinnati Spellcheck (4-2)

Two n’s, one t. One day, I will master the spelling of this city. (No, I won’t. I’m an idiot.)

Cleveland Rocks (3-3)

If Drew Carey says so, then it must be true.

Baltimore Bunk (3-3)

In honor of the best character on one of the best TV shows ever, “The Wire.”

Pittsburgh Givers (1-4)

Enough with the stealing, Pittsburgh. We’re fast approaching the season of giving, as indicated by your record.

AFC South

Indianapolis 501 (4-2)

It’s like the Indianapolis 500, but bigger.

Tennessee Toothbrush (3-3)

Because, if it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Houston Cheer (2-4)

The Bronx Cheer seems gentle by comparison. Did you hear those fans jeer Matt Schaub?

Jacksonville Tebows (0-6)

Fact: Some how, some way, the Tebows would be 6-0 at this point in the season.

AFC West

Kansas City Masterpiece (6-0)

Not only would this be a tribute to great barbecue, but it also would describe the job that Andy Reid has done in Year 1 of his new gig.

Denver Omelettes (6-0)

Essential ingredients: Ham, bell pepper, onion and the greatest quarterback of all time.

San Diego Whale Parts (3-3)

This is a family-oriented publication, so we had to make the name a bit more generic. Hopefully, Ron Burgundy will understand.

Oakland Hipsters (2-4)

Apparently, Oakland is the new Brooklyn. It might be time to retire the face paint and spiked shoulder pads and instead embrace skinny jeans and ironic T-shirts.

NFC East

Dallas Clark (3-3)

Admit it, at one time or another, you have had him on your fantasy football team.

Philadelphia Cream Cheese (3-3)

Chip Kelly likes to run the “spread” offense, after all. Yuk yuk yuk.

Washington Shutdown (1-4)

Imagine how good opponents will feel when they sprint past the Shutdown defense.

New York Runts (0-6)

See: Giants, the opposite of.

NFC North

Detroit Trucks (4-2)

This name was lifted from Chicago Blackhawks fans. They were chanting “Trucks,” right?

Chicago Machine (4-2)

Monsters of the Midway? Please. We all know the dirtiest, most powerful group in this town.

Green Bay Goat Milk (3-2)

Sorry if this nickname is ba-aaad. (Oh, and sorry that this joke was ba-aaad.)

Minnesota MallWalkers (1-4)

At least one team needs to take advantage of the space-free TwoWords format.

NFC South

New Orleans Polka (5-1)

If Utah can steal the Jazz out of Louisiana, then New Orleans should be able to rip Polka from Wisconsin.

Carolina Pine (2-3)

The real pine, not the artificial kind, that makes taxi cabs smell slightly less worse.

Atlanta Thrashers (1-4)

Who doesn’t miss the days when the Peach State had a prolific hockey team?

Tampa 2 (0-5)

Obviously, Lovie Smith immediately would be hired to replace Greg Schiano as head coach.

NFC West

Seattle Software (5-1)

Every other team would envy their state-of-the-art headsets, which would never fail.

San Francisco Rent (4-2)

Instead of Nos. 1-99, the Rent could wear numbers such as $4,000/mo. Scary, yeah?

St. Louis Stallions (3-3)

In honor of the 20-year anniversary of The Team That Never Was, a failed expansion effort that lost out to Charlotte and Jacksonville.

Arizona Cactus Wrens (3-3)

If you want to be smarter than a fifth grader, then maybe it’s time to learn at least one official state bird.

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