Endangered species: Sports landscape littered with litany of last legs
|
|
| Buy Sauk Valley Media Photos » |
Today’s assignment: Review the current status of selected endangered species, and that doesn’t mean the California condor. The sports world has them, too, so let’s make sure we’re up to date with any recent developments.
Species: Water coolers in the Chicago Cubs dugout.
Status: Highly endangered. Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster and Milton Bradley all have committed recent assaults on various beverage dispensers, holding them responsible for on-field displeasures. The Cubs, which have seen more tantrums than a day-care center, are 26th in baseball in runs scored and 27th in batting. If they hit National League pitching as hard as they hit their own water coolers, they’d be leading the division by six games.
Species: College cheerleaders and marching bands.
Status: Dwindling. Florida International, as part of a move to cut $1 million from the athletics budget, pulled the plug on the cheerleaders and the marching band. Better to cut the trombone section than the soccer team.
“This economy has forced us to make some very tough choices,” athletic director Pete Garcia mentioned in a written statement. With so many athletic departments doing the backstroke in red ink, this idea could get popular.
Sis-boom-bah might go the way of Chrysler.
Species: American tennis women not named Williams.
Status: Slightly improved. Amazing how a country of 300 million with thousands of minivans carrying thousands of daughters to Saturday tennis clinics has had to rely on one household to contend for major titles. After Serena and Venus Williams, the U.S. does not have another woman ranked in the top 56 in the world. Slovakia has more. Russia has 11. So Melanie Oudin’s march to the round of 16 of Wimbledon was refreshing, even if she did lose Monday.
Species: Juan Pierre as the starting left fielder for the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Status: Nearly extinct. Manny Ramirez is due back from suspension Friday and all will be forgiven – so long as he hits. But when Ramirez retakes the field, that means Pierre must leave it. Tough break for a guy who had a .318 average as the interim mayor of Mannywood.
Species: African-American golfers on the PGA Tour.
Status: Critical. Remember when Tiger Woods won his first Masters, and the theory that it would open the door to an influx of inspired young black golfers? Hasn’t happened yet.
At the U.S. Open, there was not the slightest hint of a Tiger wave. Asked about the subject at a recent tournament press conference, Woods took issue with the question whether he reaches out enough to the masses, citing the Tiger Woods Foundation, which supports educational and health programs.
“I reach out each and every day with my foundation,” he said. “We don’t focus on golf because that’s not the sole purpose in life. Life is not about hitting a high draw and a high fade.”
Species: NBA teams that have never asked Shaquille O’Neal to bring them a title.
Status: Dwindling.The Cavaliers are hoping he will do for them what he did for the Lakers and the Heat but couldn’t do for the Suns and the Magic.
LeBron James will make it easier. Turning 38 next spring will make it harder. Neither Michael Jordan nor Magic Johnson nor Larry Bird nor Bill Russell won a championship at that age.
Species: National League teams in interleague play.
Status: Slightly improved. The NL took its annual drubbing for the sixth straight year, but at least this 114-137 record was better than last year’s 102-149 indignity. The poster children for 2009 are the Mets – who went 1-5 against the Yankees and were outscored 44-17 in the Subway Slaughter.
Species: USA soccer jokes.
Status: Dwindling. Yeah, it was still OK to snicker when everyone got so excited about beating Egypt. But whacking Spain and nearly upsetting Brazil suggests it’s no more Mr. Nice Guys with the Yanks.
Species: Woman tennis players who don’t grunt.
Status: Dwindling. A growing topic of conversation in tennis (OOFFFFF!) is that the problem of women players grunting and shrieking during matches (ARGHHHH!) has reached very distracting (GRUNNTTT!) proportions.
But it would seem a hard thing (ECCCHHHH!) to legislate against, so we might have to get used to more and more top players using (YEGHHHHHH!) performance enhancing noise. And hardly any of them will be American.
